Love® by Serena Jayne
|Uses temporarily relieves|
|Loneliness||Existential dread||Horniness||Nagging mother|
|Increased accumulation of cats||Rage over the Game of Thrones ending||Social media stalking of exes||Booty call induced shame|
|Ask a doctor or pharmacist before use if you are already in a relationship, have children, your potential love® partner is a registered sex offender, allergic to alpacas, wears socks with sandals, drinks wine from a box, harbors drastically different political and/or religious and/or childrearing views, calls waitstaff by cringy endearments, or lives by the code “bros before hoes,” “sisters before misters,” or any variation thereof.|
|Ask a doctor or pharmacist before use if you are taking tranquilizers or sedatives, it’s last call, one of your friends recently coupled, or you are approaching a milestone birthday and in danger of marrying your backup partner.|
|When using this product:|
|Your judgment may be impaired, particularly when combined with copious alcohol consumption.||Risk of pregnancy is increased particularly when combined with copious alcohol consumption.||Be careful when driving a motor vehicle or operating machinery particularly when combined with copious alcohol consumption.|
|You may be required to attend uncomfortable events e.g. holiday celebrations, weddings, or funerals, which may involve crimes against music using an accordion or ukulele committed by a relative of your love® partner||Don’t overshare on social media, e.g. giving the skinny on your sexual exploits or posting snapshots of your boo’s booty.||Withdrawal is not advised. Like all schedule I drugs, love® comes with the possibility of physical, psychological, and philosophical addiction.*|
If pregnant or breastfeeding, ask a health professional before use.
Keep out of reach of children and anyone who experienced a recent breakup. In case of overdose seek medical help, call your most negative friend, read Gone Girl, watch “Midsommer,” or recall your third-grade amour who dumped you at recess in front of all the cool kids.
|*Should you become devastated by the loss of love® and vow to do a cold turkey detox from this product and all generic equivalents, instead, try one of our specialty formulations: Platonic Love®, Familial Love®, Spiritual Love®, or Self Love®.|
Take as needed, the smallest effective dose should be used.
Overdose may turn you into an annoying love® machine like Aunt Edna, who at the tender age of eighty-nine, attempted make sweet love to a potted plant. While loving the environment is universally accepted, love®-ing the environment may cause severe psychological stress in innocent bystanders. Be responsible. Studies show increased instances of death in lab rats who repeatedly pressed the pleasure button.
|Other information Protect from excessive moisture, controlling parents, frenemies, narcissists, psychopaths, telemarketers, identify thieving bots, and those addicted to love.|
|Inactive ingredients D&C red 22, ticking biological clock, desperation.|
Born under the sun sign of Leo, Serena Jayne is naturally a cat person. Her short fiction has appeared in The Arcanist, Daily Science Fiction, Ghost Parachute, Gone Lawn, Lost Balloon, Shotgun Honey, and other publications. Her short story collection, Necessary Evils, was published by Unnerving Books.